Sunday, 26 September 2010

Decisions, decisions...and how not to make them...

I feel like i have spent my entire weekend on the big dipper. Believe me, the misinterpretation would have been a lot more pleasurable...things got a little topsy turvy to say the least...

Friday saw TGN and I coming to the somewhat satisfying decision to meet up when I was in town for a meeting next week. Being someone who prides themselves in being relatively direct and to the point, i decided to take the bull by the short and curlies (horns were so last year) and ask TGN why, inspite of all his flirtations, he had not asked to meet up next week when he knew i would be in town for business. He said he was hoping I would ask him...Pathetic or sweet? Hmm. But - Hurrah, I had myself a date! 

On Saturday however, amidst more chattering, he managed to drop in the fact that he was meeting up with the girl he was seeing (who he apparently finished with LAST Saturday) as she wanted to "talk things through" gotta be kidding me...I decided to pull the plug on things and said we should NOT be speaking and certainly not be meeting up. He reluctantly agreed and apologised for messing me around...bless...then he ended up NOT meeting up with her...We decided not meeting up would be silly as I was in town...And so we were back on...we both agreed that if there was that much interest we should just stop beating round the bush (its tough, but im going to let that one go) and meet up...So, back on again...What happened to trying to simplify things?! 

Meanwhile, in real life, out with some friends, i got a message from The Child; "cum to mine". Yes, yes he did actually write that. Aaand that'd be a no then. (I believe my actual reply included the phrase "No way".) Unperturbed, he called THREE TIMES, yes three, and said "he needed me". I didnt even dare ask him to clarify the context to that. I declined and went back into the bar, where I ran into Lex. Its a small world, wherever you are, and we run into eachother on a regular basis. My friends knew his, and we all ended up finishing the night together. I later noticed him talking to a blond i wasnt familiar with, and didnt give her any thought until it turned out that he was going back to hers...ahhh thats nice. So, i spent Saturday night helping my ex do a stride of pride (the natural prelude to the walk of shame). I wonder, given the nature of this beast that the "Stride of Pride" might be entirely nullified in this instance and we might be dealing directly with that rare and painful, Double Walk of Shame?! Allowing for bias aside, she was HORRENDOUS. So, we all walked home together, right to my door. She had bleached hair extensions, a leopard print skirt and a trowel full of foundation on. The words "you can do so much better" sprung to mind...perhaps not my place.

I was determined that Sunday should be a little less high-drama, and went out of town to the country for the day. Who should i bump into, but EU's brother. Who did I spend most of the day thinking about!? EU. Arghhh. Desperate for some distraction i kept checking my phone for some lighthearted relief from TGN...did my phone flash even once?! Nope...desperate for some distraction, i finally contacted him around 8...his reply didnt even merit a further reply from mine...

I give in, nothing in Man World makes sense...Men are truely from Mars and We are definitely from Venus. So, I ask you, how do the two communicate?! Lex goes off with a WAG. He is good looking, cute, funny, GREAT, just not for me. He could have his pick of ladies - why then choose the tramp!? TGN: MAKE YOUR MIND UP, its not hard! And now that you have what you want, dont bugger off and play the mute card! Argh playing right into everything that made me hold off for so long.  And Child: Learn to spell. Or at least dont use text abbreviations so that the ensuing message then reads like a porn memo. 

I give in!! 

Think i have finally lost all, 


Thursday, 23 September 2010

To Ginge or not to Ginge...

So, I have been trying, and clearly failing, to discourage The Ginger Ninja (TGN) from pursuing a textual relationship with me. Normally the voice of positivity in all potential relationships (i use this term depressingly loosely) I cannot help but feel slightly burnt following what can only be described as the most surreal "ending" (if it can be called that) to my last liaison. 

Enter: An Absolute Arsehole. Stage left. 

AAA is a jack the lad, self proclaimed peter pan (his words, not mine) who i re-bumped into recently at a memorial service. Yes, i know how that sounds, Yes, ive seen Wedding Crashers, No, im not going to turn out like Will Ferrell in the last scene, ive heard it all before!! We got on. He was a friend of a friend, we had lots in common, and started emailing. All day. Every day. And texting in the evenings when he wasnt at work. How he remained employed is beyond me quite frankly. The banter flowed, and he soon asked when i was next in town to meet up. I cleared some time in my diary on my next trip, and arranged to meet up with him. SO. The ABC (Alcohol, banter and chemistry) were all flowing in glorious direct proportion until he walked me home to a friends house where I was staying. He lunged. I reciprocated. He tried to come in. I denied access - too many complications, the fact that it was not my house to invite him into being at the forefront. He ran. Literally! It was bizarre, i wish i could watch it again in slow-mo. He started inching away, then backing away and then he was out the gate, leaving me halfway up the garden path (that sounds a lot more racy than it was). Confused didnt begin to describe it. Really?! Do grown men really behave like that!? 

The contact died down from him almost instantly until by Monday he was ignoring me point blank. I wasnt so much hurt as confused. We bumped into eachother a week later online - the joys of digital dating. We started chatting, he seemed normal. I decided to call him on it, being a big fan of blunt, and asked whether he usually tended to lunge and then ignore his prey, or whether i was just privileged. Privileged, he replied. OH YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! scenes of revenge (mine, not his) flashed through my mind. And the pathetic girly part in me thought "ok its fine, we're talking again. Maybe i just imagined the random silence". Note to self, DONT listen to the pathetic girly part in you, there is a reason you refer to her as the pathetic girly part. Anyway. I followed up the next day with a brief email asking him to confirm an event he was meant to be attending later in the month. Silence again. That evening, I was at a girlfriends house, catching up and having dinner. She was cooking, i was chatting and mindlessly scrolling through a certain social networking site. All of a sudden his name flashed up in my minifeed..."AAA wishes that girl he met at the memorial service a few weeks ago would fk off and leave him in peace!! JESUS WOMAN!!!!!" I almost dropped my phone. WTF?!!?! i flashed hot and cold and thought in sheer mortification of the people who would read that and put two and two together. Luckily i had kept quiet on the broadcasting efforts - but still?! was he looking for a reaction?!! was he being serious?! I'll never was utterly hilarious, and beyond mortifying, but it firmed up my mind as to where that particular liaison was headed...

So. Recently burnt from AAA, TGN enters the picture. The night after we kissed to be precise. Yup, it was one helluva weekend. TGN and I flirted all night at this evening, he seemed great and i was pretty sure the night would end the way i wanted it to...alas cindarella lost track of time and a hasty goodbye was said...a cheeky snog ensued as i disappeared while the clock struck midnight, shouted at by my friend as our taxi meter ticked away, briefly accommodating my teenage tonsil bashing. I was very smug, the proverbial cat who got the cream. (No sicko, not like that.) He seemed great, we had chemistry, and he hadnt tried to run a mile. Hurrah! He followed up the next day with the "i think youre great, but i probably shouldnt have done that, i recently started seeing someone.." oooohh gaddd. I should go into collaboration with Britters. Yes, i did it again. It baffles me, it really does, how i can end up in these situations. On the plus side i woke up from a text from the child asking me to dinner (not just to come "ova") - i declined. What a weekend. 

But back to TGN. So he has continued to pursue things. He wont take no for an answer...we have hashed through the fact that i feel i am making the same mistakes again, and the fact that he still hasnt ended things 100% with this girl who he is "seeing" but literally never sees. I have tried to point out the irony of breaking up with her when she lives in his town to see me when i live at the opposite end of the country, but so far we both remain interested despite the logic-o-meter pointing FIRMLY at "RUN, RUN LIKE THE WIND" rather than the slightly more optimistic "DA DAAAAAA. CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE A WINNER. PROCEED TO PROCREATE WILDLY AND HAVE THIS MANS BABIES". 

So, to ginge or not to ginge. That is the question. 

Answers on a postcard please. 

Yours in, 


Wednesday, 22 September 2010

Lost in Textlation

What a dull day.

Some mild flirtation with gymboy. Why do i do it?! I am not interested. And he shouldnt be either...wife and two kiddies lalala. But it was 3pm and i was at my bored phase. 3-4pm equals BORED, hungry, or sleepy. Or all three. My afternoon slump patterns are by no means mutually exclusive.

This evenings entertainment consisted of some textual flirtations with the GingaNinja. He has finally stopped pestering me asking me to "entertain him"...i mean honestly. What are you meant to say to that anyway?! I told him i am on man lent and not engaging in any acts of flirtation at present..hmm. long may that last. He told me to (and i quote) "enjoy my celibacy and hit him up when i felt like it", judging by the celibacy reference, i assumed this to be an 24/7 booty call offer. Which was very sweet, and i told him so. Nope, turns out he meant "hit" in a "text me" kind of way. ooops. Lucky i didnt take him up on his offer then isnt it. Talk about lost in Textlation.

At least he is my age though. Nothing worse than when i was text bantering with the child..."hey u, wasup? wana come ova?" aaaand that would be a no then. I am just grateful quite frankly that he spelt come in full...its a generation thing. another reason not to indulge in cougarish activities.

Time for bed...i will NOT allow myself to think of EU.

I live in,


Don't judge a book by its title...

Just as back in the day we were warned never to judge a book by its cover, I will start off by saying I think the same can be applied to the digital age - dont judge a blog by its title...

The beauty of writing this is the relative anonymity of it all. The slight downside of course is that the majority of the people who read this (optimistic as always) wont know me, and therefore will not know that I am not in fact, a "puta"...well, not in the well known sense. For those of you who avoided languages like the plague, allow me to enlighten you: "Puta", in Spanish or Portuguese, means whore. This, my friends, I am not. Now, in Roman Mythology, according to Arnobius (know who he is?! good good, me neither. An early Christian Apologist apparently) Puta presided over the pruning of trees. 

No, this is not some kind of pervy reference to the trimming of bushes etc etc. Merely a parallel to the fact that I have been known to be somewhat picky...enough of all that, just go with it...

On to the juicy stuff...2010, much like all the other "noughties" before, has been somewhat of a rollercoaster...the men i have come across this year, other than a rather lovely garcon i unfortunately parted ways with earlier in the year, have been distinct fuckwits, quite frankly. Rather distressingly there is an increasingly high proportion of idiot men who see it as acceptable to cheat, play away from home, or generally misbehave...

Dont get me wrong, there has been some joyous frolicking this summer...some brilliant jilly cooper-esque activities, a cracking night of old-school teenage snogging and mild hanky panky, a couple of athletes (hello guns of heaven) and even a token tall dark (married - bah) stranger...

The majority of the men I have come across (no, not in the biblical sense) this summer have been distinct cul-de-sacs...dead ends for those of you who dont have two brain cells to rub or two potentials remain however...

As Shakespeare once said: Life is a stage, and we are all actors. Let me therefore introduce my cast, who shall appear in no particular order:

  • Protagonista : That would be me. Keep up
  • Lex: Le ex, durrr. A lovely lovely boy i dated earlier in the year...we are just friends...he finds this hard sometimes. which is sweet, yet mildly irritating at times.
  • Von Dutch: A rather dashing dutch man i dated...i dont think we are 100% finished yet however this is somewhat logistically challenged due to him living in the Middle this space...
  • Mr Big: Everyone has one. Mine is a lot older, easily the most charming, fun man i have ever known. We dated years ago and have been on and off ever since...currently more off than on. 
  • The Hawk: Mr Big's bezza. Hawky features (go with it) Long history of flirtation. I never converted as he is married and is Mr Big's bezza...nearly changed last year when he was on a break (yes actually!)...we still flirt (email) occassionally..
  • Oz: Tall dark handsome. Married. Argh...most definitely off the scene but it is a small world and I will run into him again at some point. Fingers crossed the morals remain in tact
  • EU: Emotionally unstable. Unfortunately the one person i am really interested in...appears to be a bit flakey...we had a date last night which got postponed...definitely one to watch...
  • The Child: well obviously not really...a younger man i pulled...20st of pure muscle...too much of a good thing?! Not convinced the spark is there...
  • The Ginga Ninja: A rather fun and charming man i recently met at a party...the banter was there and a cheeky kiss was had at the end of the night...alas he is currently seeing someone...or not, at present as they are "in negotiations"...not sure of my interest levels, we will see...
  • AAA: An absolute arsehole (sponsorship op?!) of a man i met through personal friends...his story will follow at some point...he is most definitely OFF the cards, however reference must be made as he will reappear at some point. Every story has a villain. 
  • Gymboy: A man i see in the gym...The bit of rough you would never go for but enjoy the fact that you know he would...married...avoid...

And so, let the games commence!

I live in,